Leavings, Endings and New Beginnings

Whether leaving a professional role or experiencing the ending of a close personal relationship, endings need to be attended to in a particular way, if we want to enjoy the fresh starts and new beginnings we hope for.

Unresolved endings create powerful and challenging dynamics that travel forwards with us into other places and spaces.

People who leave their jobs with unresolved feelings connected to the joy of belonging, exhaustion from over-giving, regret for loss of place or sadness from exclusion may find ways of repeating the pattern elsewhere if they have not attended to the primary emotions. They may also leave the shadow of the pattern in the system they have just left.

Similarly, people who marry a second time without inner contact with the love they once felt for their first partner may find themselves repeating this cycle. Who and what comes first has precedence in relationship systems and has to be given its place, with respect for what was gained, what was given and what was lost.

Life is full of endings, many of which can lead to complex fields of emotion in individuals and entanglements in wider relationship systems.

“You cannot say hello until you say goodbye.”

– Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

In Work

The end of a role or the end of your belonging in a business is often a significantly more powerful event than is anticipated or allowed for. Limiting dynamics arising from endings in our professional lives may come from many sources, including:

  • The end of your belonging and place in an organisation through restructure, redundancy, rejection, or retirement
  • The end of a whole business system (in a merger, failure or other organisational trauma)
  • The end of a client, colleague or customer relationship that’s been joyful and/or traumatic
  • The end of a career in your particular field, whether of your own volition or others’

Organisations themselves are greatly influenced by incomplete endings, which set up limiting dynamics in individuals and often across the wider system. When new people join a company, occupying a role that has been vacated in a hurry or without real respect for the contribution made by the previous role-holder, the new person may struggle to perform. The role itself and its place in the system are somehow burdened by an unresolved leaving. Soon the new occupant is caught in a similar pattern and may struggle to occupy their authority, feel drawn to leave or are ejected. And so the pattern repeats and deepens – in the individual and in the organisation.

Poorly managed, disrespectful endings lead to difficulties for the one who leaves – fear of belonging safely again, difficulties with personal energy and/or professional competence and feelings of isolation or lingering sadness at the loss of belonging – and those that remain – usually shown as a lack of psychological safety in role.

A system, a community of belonging, will always attempt to ‘re-member’ who and what has been excluded in an attempt to balance the system.

Business leaders often believe, or hope, that the more they pay someone to leave and not talk about the past, the more the past will be resolved. However, secrets, unacknowledged contributions and events slow human relationship systems down and make it harder and harder to survive, let alone thrive.

We very often bring our unmet needs to belong into organisational systems, along with our unresolved endings and losses from our childhood. These can resource or burden us and also create dynamics that can influence the whole organisation and its culture.

Career and organisational endings need to be attended to with as much care and focus as joinings – where there are often processes, rituals, information, dialogue and guidance.

“If we rush past endings we are rushing through one of the most subtle but important transitions in life and of work.”

In Life

Life is never predictable and even in planned or longed for endings there can be complex dynamics that emerge in individuals and wider systems. Some of the common inflection points include:

  • The end of an intimate relationship or marriage, especially if sudden or managed without respect for what was
  • Life changes and transitions in your children’s lives
  • Preparing for, or recovering from, the end of your parent’s or other family member’s life
  • The impact of the end of a social system, as with BREXIT

Life is full of endings, and taking care of them each and all is important if we want to live life fully.

The past needs to stay where it belongs, in the past. However, believing you can achieve that by ‘forgetting’ or excluding people who have belonged or events that have happened doesn’t work or lead to vitality, energy or balance in relationship systems.

You cannot move into something new if your past is present as you look to the future.

Avoiding Endings

Many people say that they don’t like endings and so try and avoid them. Others feel they can ‘walk away’ from painful endings and not look back. In fact, both of these coping mechanisms can have a limiting effect on relationship systems as endings always need considered attention if they are truly to be at an end.

To understand the importance of respectful, mindful endings and leavings we can benefit from understanding the importance of joining and belonging.

Joining and Belonging

Human beings have an innate drive to belong in systems, relationship systems, partnerships, teams, communities. Many would argue that the need to bond and belong is the deepest need we have as human beings.

After all, we are born into a family system, then grow up and mature within multiple other systems: countries, cultures, education and perhaps religious systems. Then we find a place in organisational systems and may also move through more countries, cultures and business systems several times. We are likely to have been in intimate relationships of different kinds, each one in which we find a place alongside another human being.

In all these relationships we tune into the unspoken rules, as our inner compass tracks to see how they align with our reference points around belonging. We soon know what we must or must not do or say to protect our belonging.

Bringing our Belongings to an End

When our time in a relationship system, a community of belonging, comes to an end – whether it was planned or comes as a shock – it always has an impact, limiting or resourcing. Taking care to separate in a way that strengthens and enables us, the systems we leave and those we join, is crucial if we are to lead a full and less entangled life.

The past – what it has given us and what we have given it – must be honoured. When we pause and notice what we have received and what we have gained, as well as what we are able to leave behind, we can live and work with freedom and vitality.

We must understand what joining and belonging truly means to us if we are to live, lead and leave with freedom.

What the caterpillar calls the end, the rest of the world calls a butterfly.

-Lao Tzu

(Source: www.lifeloveleadership.com – John Wittington 2021)

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Leavings, Endings and New Beginnings

Whether leaving a professional role or experiencing the ending of a close personal relationship, endings need to be attended to in a particular way, if we want to enjoy the fresh starts and new beginnings we hope for.

Unresolved endings create powerful and challenging dynamics that travel forwards with us into other places and spaces.

People who leave their jobs with unresolved feelings connected to the joy of belonging, exhaustion from over-giving, regret for loss of place or sadness from exclusion may find ways of repeating the pattern elsewhere if they have not attended to the primary emotions. They may also leave the shadow of the pattern in the system they have just left.

Similarly, people who marry a second time without inner contact with the love they once felt for their first partner may find themselves repeating this cycle. Who and what comes first has precedence in relationship systems and has to be given its place, with respect for what was gained, what was given and what was lost.

Life is full of endings, many of which can lead to complex fields of emotion in individuals and entanglements in wider relationship systems.

“You cannot say hello until you say goodbye.”

– Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

In Work

The end of a role or the end of your belonging in a business is often a significantly more powerful event than is anticipated or allowed for. Limiting dynamics arising from endings in our professional lives may come from many sources, including:

  • The end of your belonging and place in an organisation through restructure, redundancy, rejection, or retirement
  • The end of a whole business system (in a merger, failure or other organisational trauma)
  • The end of a client, colleague or customer relationship that’s been joyful and/or traumatic
  • The end of a career in your particular field, whether of your own volition or others’

Organisations themselves are greatly influenced by incomplete endings, which set up limiting dynamics in individuals and often across the wider system. When new people join a company, occupying a role that has been vacated in a hurry or without real respect for the contribution made by the previous role-holder, the new person may struggle to perform. The role itself and its place in the system are somehow burdened by an unresolved leaving. Soon the new occupant is caught in a similar pattern and may struggle to occupy their authority, feel drawn to leave or are ejected. And so the pattern repeats and deepens – in the individual and in the organisation.

Poorly managed, disrespectful endings lead to difficulties for the one who leaves – fear of belonging safely again, difficulties with personal energy and/or professional competence and feelings of isolation or lingering sadness at the loss of belonging – and those that remain – usually shown as a lack of psychological safety in role.

A system, a community of belonging, will always attempt to ‘re-member’ who and what has been excluded in an attempt to balance the system.

Business leaders often believe, or hope, that the more they pay someone to leave and not talk about the past, the more the past will be resolved. However, secrets, unacknowledged contributions and events slow human relationship systems down and make it harder and harder to survive, let alone thrive.

We very often bring our unmet needs to belong into organisational systems, along with our unresolved endings and losses from our childhood. These can resource or burden us and also create dynamics that can influence the whole organisation and its culture.

Career and organisational endings need to be attended to with as much care and focus as joinings – where there are often processes, rituals, information, dialogue and guidance.

“If we rush past endings we are rushing through one of the most subtle but important transitions in life and of work.”

In Life

Life is never predictable and even in planned or longed for endings there can be complex dynamics that emerge in individuals and wider systems. Some of the common inflection points include:

  • The end of an intimate relationship or marriage, especially if sudden or managed without respect for what was
  • Life changes and transitions in your children’s lives
  • Preparing for, or recovering from, the end of your parent’s or other family member’s life
  • The impact of the end of a social system, as with BREXIT

Life is full of endings, and taking care of them each and all is important if we want to live life fully.

The past needs to stay where it belongs, in the past. However, believing you can achieve that by ‘forgetting’ or excluding people who have belonged or events that have happened doesn’t work or lead to vitality, energy or balance in relationship systems.

You cannot move into something new if your past is present as you look to the future.

Avoiding Endings

Many people say that they don’t like endings and so try and avoid them. Others feel they can ‘walk away’ from painful endings and not look back. In fact, both of these coping mechanisms can have a limiting effect on relationship systems as endings always need considered attention if they are truly to be at an end.

To understand the importance of respectful, mindful endings and leavings we can benefit from understanding the importance of joining and belonging.

Joining and Belonging

Human beings have an innate drive to belong in systems, relationship systems, partnerships, teams, communities. Many would argue that the need to bond and belong is the deepest need we have as human beings.

After all, we are born into a family system, then grow up and mature within multiple other systems: countries, cultures, education and perhaps religious systems. Then we find a place in organisational systems and may also move through more countries, cultures and business systems several times. We are likely to have been in intimate relationships of different kinds, each one in which we find a place alongside another human being.

In all these relationships we tune into the unspoken rules, as our inner compass tracks to see how they align with our reference points around belonging. We soon know what we must or must not do or say to protect our belonging.

Bringing our Belongings to an End

When our time in a relationship system, a community of belonging, comes to an end – whether it was planned or comes as a shock – it always has an impact, limiting or resourcing. Taking care to separate in a way that strengthens and enables us, the systems we leave and those we join, is crucial if we are to lead a full and less entangled life.

The past – what it has given us and what we have given it – must be honoured. When we pause and notice what we have received and what we have gained, as well as what we are able to leave behind, we can live and work with freedom and vitality.

We must understand what joining and belonging truly means to us if we are to live, lead and leave with freedom.

What the caterpillar calls the end, the rest of the world calls a butterfly.

-Lao Tzu

(Source: www.lifeloveleadership.com – John Wittington 2021)

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If you are interested and would like to find out more, contact Lucy today. Call 07810 205781 / email Lucy@lucytullochcoaching.co.uk or fill in the form below.

"Within the first session of working together, Lucy was able to unpick my scrambled thoughts and aspirations with the deftness of a surgeon, but the approach of a close, trusted friend. I still don't fully know how she did it, but Lucy was able to unlock my core values and drivers in a way that I have never been able to quantify or verbalise by myself. It was quite a revelation and the starting point that I was missing.

She has been incredibly encouraging & supportive as my confidence has waxed and waned, has given me a top-up of pragmatism when needed and most importantly of all given me clarity when all I could see was fog.

I recommend investing in time with Lucy as the benefits can be quick to present themselves and she will help you find direction that is both very personal and highly motivating."

Ben Colbridge - International Sales & Customer Success Director

Lucy Tulloch Coaching
2020-11-23T09:45:40+00:00

Ben Colbridge - International Sales & Customer Success Director

"Within the first session of working together, Lucy was able to unpick my scrambled thoughts and aspirations with the deftness of a surgeon, but the approach of a close, trusted friend. I still don't fully know how she did it, but Lucy was able to unlock my core values and drivers in a way that I have never been able to quantify or verbalise by myself. It was quite a revelation and the starting point that I was missing. She has been incredibly encouraging & supportive as my confidence has waxed and waned, has given me a top-up of pragmatism when needed and most importantly of all given me clarity when all I could see was fog. I recommend investing in time with Lucy as the benefits can be quick to present themselves and she will help you find direction that is both very personal and highly motivating."
"It is clear to me that our half years’ worth of work provided a quantum shift in the way I think, which has helped me understand the values that are important to me so enabling me to understand the route and direction in which I want to take next."

KB - Deputy Head Teacher and Educational Consultant

Lucy Tulloch Coaching
2019-06-24T13:20:17+00:00

KB - Deputy Head Teacher and Educational Consultant

"It is clear to me that our half years’ worth of work provided a quantum shift in the way I think, which has helped me understand the values that are important to me so enabling me to understand the route and direction in which I want to take next."
"Lucy’s skills and knowledge, empathy and professionalism have completely won me over. Her ability to get to the heart of blocks and anxieties is almost uncanny"

Eley McAinsh - Writer, Editor, Producer.

Lucy Tulloch Coaching
2019-06-24T13:15:32+00:00

Eley McAinsh - Writer, Editor, Producer.

"Lucy’s skills and knowledge, empathy and professionalism have completely won me over. Her ability to get to the heart of blocks and anxieties is almost uncanny"
"I would highly recommend Lucy to anyone who feels that they need to make a change of some sort, whether externally or simply their own feelings about a situation."

Emma - Marketing Manager

Lucy Tulloch Coaching
2019-06-24T13:09:11+00:00

Emma - Marketing Manager

"I would highly recommend Lucy to anyone who feels that they need to make a change of some sort, whether externally or simply their own feelings about a situation."
"Lucy has been working with us for a year now, helping to build the skills and environment we need to operate a work culture that puts a lot of emphasis on taking personal responsibility for your own performance, whilst also requiring a strong team ethic. It's not an easy outcome to achieve and without Lucy's help we would really have struggled. But thanks to her, we've seen a lot of success: I can see that through the way that everyone really works for each other, but also in how individuals have developed and improved under her guidance.

I know the team get an awful lot from her group and one-to-one sessions, and their feedback is extremely positive.

For anyone looking to develop critical soft skills, emotional intelligence, and genuine team spirit, I would thoroughly recommend Lucy, she's been a key part of our achievements recently, and I hope we'll keep working together for some time to come."

Andrew Hunt - Owner, Holiday Architects

Lucy Tulloch Coaching
2020-11-23T09:58:08+00:00

Andrew Hunt - Owner, Holiday Architects

"Lucy has been working with us for a year now, helping to build the skills and environment we need to operate a work culture that puts a lot of emphasis on taking personal responsibility for your own performance, whilst also requiring a strong team ethic. It's not an easy outcome to achieve and without Lucy's help we would really have struggled. But thanks to her, we've seen a lot of success: I can see that through the way that everyone really works for each other, but also in how individuals have developed and improved under her guidance. I know the team get an awful lot from her group and one-to-one sessions, and their feedback is extremely positive. For anyone looking to develop critical soft skills, emotional intelligence, and genuine team spirit, I would thoroughly recommend Lucy, she's been a key part of our achievements recently, and I hope we'll keep working together for some time to come."
"I found it very helpful to be listened too and for my thought processes to be valued for what they were, which supported me in having the confidence to take on alternative ways of thinking or doing things."

Sophy - Teacher

Lucy Tulloch Coaching
2019-06-24T13:04:42+00:00

Sophy - Teacher

"I found it very helpful to be listened too and for my thought processes to be valued for what they were, which supported me in having the confidence to take on alternative ways of thinking or doing things."
"Lucy has been an incredible asset to TechPixies. Working with many of the women who did our Face to Face programme in Oxford, she helped them find their confidence and values in order to successfully return to work, change careers or start a business.

It was a pleasure working with Lucy and she was extremely organised and professional.."

Joy Foster - Techpixies Founder

Lucy Tulloch Coaching
2019-06-24T13:10:17+00:00

Joy Foster - Techpixies Founder

"Lucy has been an incredible asset to TechPixies. Working with many of the women who did our Face to Face programme in Oxford, she helped them find their confidence and values in order to successfully return to work, change careers or start a business. It was a pleasure working with Lucy and she was extremely organised and professional.."
“Lucy Tulloch is extremely perceptive and insightful. She can hold and unite a group while including each different individual and noticing where each person might develop and grow. She is warm and fun. I would totally recommend her as a coach, she is in the right job!”

JA - Digital Marketeer

Lucy Tulloch Coaching
2019-06-07T11:41:40+00:00

JA - Digital Marketeer

“Lucy Tulloch is extremely perceptive and insightful. She can hold and unite a group while including each different individual and noticing where each person might develop and grow. She is warm and fun. I would totally recommend her as a coach, she is in the right job!”
"This has been a brand-new experience for me and I found it very insightful and useful, in how I need to tackle things I have put off and addressing changes I need to make."

Sales Consultant, Holiday Architects, Cheltenham

Lucy Tulloch Coaching
2019-06-24T13:12:34+00:00

Sales Consultant, Holiday Architects, Cheltenham

"This has been a brand-new experience for me and I found it very insightful and useful, in how I need to tackle things I have put off and addressing changes I need to make."
"I had the pleasure of working with Lucy at TechPixies when we worked jointly on a Cohort of women moving through the Social Media Magic course.

Lucy was excellent at facilitating the face to face group life coaching sessions and highly skilled at encouraging the women to visualise a change in their path and personal progress, which some women found very challenging but with her support they found possible.

Lucy was a pleasure to work with, and I would have no hesitation in recommending her as a coach."

Beth Kirk - Social Media Marketing Trainer

Lucy Tulloch Coaching
2020-11-23T09:56:14+00:00

Beth Kirk - Social Media Marketing Trainer

"I had the pleasure of working with Lucy at TechPixies when we worked jointly on a Cohort of women moving through the Social Media Magic course. Lucy was excellent at facilitating the face to face group life coaching sessions and highly skilled at encouraging the women to visualise a change in their path and personal progress, which some women found very challenging but with her support they found possible. Lucy was a pleasure to work with, and I would have no hesitation in recommending her as a coach."
"Lucy was already known to me and I have always found her to be professional, approachable and a great listener.  My experience of using Lucy as a coach has reinforced that opinion but has also shown me how naturally Lucy put me at ease."

M.T, Oxfordshire

Lucy Tulloch Coaching
2019-06-24T13:13:49+00:00

M.T, Oxfordshire

"Lucy was already known to me and I have always found her to be professional, approachable and a great listener.  My experience of using Lucy as a coach has reinforced that opinion but has also shown me how naturally Lucy put me at ease."
"Lucy has the insight to ask probing questions and get at the heart of the problem, at the same time maintaining the right balance of encouraging, listening and understanding. As a result, she has empowered me to make choices that align with my values and I will continue with the practices to stay attuned to what matters most to me in the present moment."

KB - Deputy Head Teacher and Educational Consultant

Lucy Tulloch Coaching
2019-06-24T13:19:30+00:00

KB - Deputy Head Teacher and Educational Consultant

"Lucy has the insight to ask probing questions and get at the heart of the problem, at the same time maintaining the right balance of encouraging, listening and understanding. As a result, she has empowered me to make choices that align with my values and I will continue with the practices to stay attuned to what matters most to me in the present moment."
"By posing the question 'Do we have any evidence to support this theory' I am able to tackle dilemmas more rationally rather than form an assumption based on speculation."

Sophy - Teacher

Lucy Tulloch Coaching
2019-06-24T13:02:37+00:00

Sophy - Teacher

"By posing the question 'Do we have any evidence to support this theory' I am able to tackle dilemmas more rationally rather than form an assumption based on speculation."
"Lucy and I worked through what was important to me professionally and personally and she helped me to see everything more clearly and, most importantly, to feel that I was in control of the situation."

Emma - Marketing Manager

Lucy Tulloch Coaching
2019-06-24T13:08:31+00:00

Emma - Marketing Manager

"Lucy and I worked through what was important to me professionally and personally and she helped me to see everything more clearly and, most importantly, to feel that I was in control of the situation."
"Honest discussions and motivational chats were highly beneficial and I can guarantee that I will be using what I learnt from Lucy throughout the rest of my career."

KB - Deputy Head Teacher and Educational Consultant

Lucy Tulloch Coaching
2019-06-24T13:18:46+00:00

KB - Deputy Head Teacher and Educational Consultant

"Honest discussions and motivational chats were highly beneficial and I can guarantee that I will be using what I learnt from Lucy throughout the rest of my career."
"Lucy has helped me on so many levels to change the way I think and therefore to approach things in a different way. Thank you Lucy. I have learned many life lessons that will support me in all manner of situations in the future."

Sophy - Teacher

Lucy Tulloch Coaching
2019-06-24T13:06:29+00:00

Sophy - Teacher

"Lucy has helped me on so many levels to change the way I think and therefore to approach things in a different way. Thank you Lucy. I have learned many life lessons that will support me in all manner of situations in the future."
"I was thrilled to have the opportunity to work with Lucy as my coach as I already knew her to be professional, insightful, logical and completely non-judgmental."

Emma - Marketing Manager

Lucy Tulloch Coaching
2019-06-24T13:07:49+00:00

Emma - Marketing Manager

"I was thrilled to have the opportunity to work with Lucy as my coach as I already knew her to be professional, insightful, logical and completely non-judgmental."
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Lucy Tulloch Coaching

 

A SELECTION OF LUCY’S CLIENTS

A SELECTION OF LUCY’S CLIENTS